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Dear Friends

Has been such long time since last wrote to you. For once, not my fault.  If you remember, was involved in court case over alleged libel against principal tutor of creative writing course at renowned Fritzonian Institute in Edinburgh.  After delay due to tutor objecting to balance of animal and human jury, case finally resumed.




My barrister, Mr Justice Chatterton, restated opening he used at first hearing.....

'Our case is straightforward, so straightforward, in fact, that it should never have been brought to court.  My client, Bakhtin, a gifted writer, if ever there was one, such genius being displayed in his regular letters, never, in any of these letter, identified the lecturer by name.  Moreover, I have read each of those quite brilliant letters and the language used is mild and should not have caused offence or distress.  Lastly, and I quote the definition of defamation:  publication must be a statement which claims to be fact.  My client was merely expressing an opinion, something to which we are all entitled.' 

After hearing several witnesses for the defence (i.e. me) and only one for the prosecution - a donkey, which tutor obviously thought, being an animal, would support her case, but turned out to be useless, and found to be in contempt of court by crapping in witness box,  jury concluded I hadn't committed libel, and I was acquitted.












Damages granted to me amounted to high sum, so high that Fritzonian Institute, whose job it was to pay them, in danger of becoming bankrupt.  Consequently,  received lots of hate mail and general harassment.  Malicious dogs barking outside flat door, attempts to poison Neville ( precocious white mouse, for new readers), and virus put in Saussure and Notsaussure's computers.  Also threats to write terrible reviews about Henri's recipe book Guineapigging out.

Complained to police who assured us things would die down.  However, when they didn't, police agreed to put me under witness protection scheme.  Had fur dyed orange and given blue contact lens.  (didn't know cats could wear these but apparently vets now prescribing them for damaged corneas).















Worst bit, though, was having to move up to north of Scotland.  For eight months, assumed new identity, living with lady who has old cottage.  She already had adopted sixteen stray cats, so at least had company, and fresh fish every day.

Good news finally:  Fritzonian Institute promised large sum of money from anonymous source.  Suspect this was bribe to them for voting for independence for Scotland. Shouldn't have written this in case I am accused of libel.  But, hey ho....

Because of this, police consider I'm no longer at risk and can return to my life in Edinburgh.  Yippee!!!!

Purrs
Bakhtin