Stressful day at Fritzonian Institute

Hand in day for Japanese haiku without consonants assignment. Met Henry on top deck of bus. He was carrying Italian bruschetta with haiku written on it in permanent ink. As he'd slept through alarm he didn't have breakfast and was so hungry forgot about haiku and ate bruschetta. Children on bus started screaming when they saw face covered in black ink. Henry then decided to go home to write resignation letter to Institute saying he preferred to research Japanese seaweed and umeboshi pickle recipes than writing Japanese haikus, even if rules changed and consonants now allowed.

At Institute students were anxious as queued up to post assignments through scary box on top floor. Cindy hysterical when she realised she'd made mistake and written haiku without vowels. Maya comforted her by saying perhaps she'd get distinction for adopting original approach by ignoring assessment criteria. Cindy then barked that Maya had cheated in haiku by pretending to be dyslexic to get extra points for being experimental.

Fifteen minutes before deadline for assignment submission, Henry appeared, elated, with policeman behind him carrying fying pan. In middle of writing resignation letter Henry decided guinea pigs too resilient to pull out of Masters, and if he spent less time eating, could manage to study Japanese seaweed recipes as well as writing assignments. He rewrote haiku on frying pan. He'd almost been arrested on bus for carrying potentially dangerous weapon. Police were called, but when he showed them inside of frying pan with Japanese haiku without consonants, except 'Y' which he'd defiantly included, written in concentrated Tamari sauce, they said that was fine, and drove him to Institute with siren blaring, so he could hand in assignment before noon.

Apparently police interested in experimental policing and sympathetic to problems of experimental writing. Agreed, in turn for getting him to Institute quickly, Henry would write original message on police Christmas cards, but could use all vowels and consonants except: e, s, r, a, t, m, p and i. Re-energised Henry delighted with challenge and determined to show public what fine writer he is. Astute policeman made him promise not to include recipes in message.

However, more problems when Henry tried to squeeze frying pan into assignment box. Wood was splintering and he became angry. Then administrator unlocked box and put frying pan on top of other assignments, which made Véronique whine because she could see her one was now covered in oil and other cooking grime.

Then lecturer appeared and gave us dirty look for causing commotion. Told Henry she hated guinea pigs and wished she hadn't offered him place on course. If he hadn't mentioned at interview recipe for sweet 'n sour sausage rolls which she liked sound of, he would still be filling shelves at B&Q.

Later, we went to ceilidh organised by SALI, (Support for animals living independently).


Purrs


Bakhtin

Creepy person

I have big problem. Still I try to perfect rhythm of Japanese haiku without consonants. But someone steals my ideas. His name is MJ Nicholls. He manages to see my writing before I write it. This is spooky. Will this man become stalker? I do not know. I read his blog and discovered he invites everyone into his boudoir. He is amoral and I suspect is also creative writing student at different institute. Neville said he would find out where strange man lives and pay him visit. I warned Neville he may end up in mouse trap. Or worse still, end up in boudoir of MJ NIcholls and have to listen to spooky man read all his short stories. Am frightened may never see Neville again because MJ Nicholls is prolific writer.

I try to talk to Saussure about worries but he has gone mad. All he talks about is signs. I ask him if he means road signs and he tells me I am not theoretical cat and must eat more fish. I need coaching from Neville.

Today walked round Morningside with Norton Anthology of Theory and Criticism in tartan shopping bag with wheels. Book so heavy one wheel fell off and rolled down to Leith.

Tonight I am unhappy cat who is homesick for Russia.


Purrs

Bakhtin

Helping fellow student

Last night busy working on rhythm of Japanese haiku without consonants when doorbell rang. It was Henry. He was distraught because he’d contacted APES (Association pour écrire sans consonnes) to beg them to change constitution to include ‘y’ as a vowel. APES told him this was unacceptable. To be original, experimental writer, important not to use consonants, especially on a Masters course. Henry says he can't write haiku about poached eggs - or any recipe - without using 'y'. Only option is to write about guinea pig hairdresser which doesn't inspire him. Notsaussure said lot of literary theory written by up-your-bum Europhiles who believe long sentences and multisyllabled words make reader think they are clever. We had brainstorm and Henry decided to give haiku experimental angle by writing it on Italian bruschetta. Saussure suggested that as haiku is about hairdressing, Henry should write it on his head, but Henry wasn't keen as he thinks this will have been done before and he will receive low mark.


Henry so stressed that hair is turning white. He says Masters is making him ill and he should have left after first week. While he was in flat, he ate 500 gram packet of dried fruit and nuts. Neville hacked off because he'd just vacuumed sitting room floor and had to sweep and dust whole flat again.






Purrs

Bakhtin

Chaos

Today chaos in class. On programme was discussion about Lyotard, famous French philosopher and literary theorist. Cindy and Maya, female dog students, were confused and turned up in leotards, ready to perform dance. Véronique had practised with them but decided classroom too cold for leotard and wore sheepskin-lined gilet instead.

Teacher said no dancing allowed at Institute unless by students of dance. Cindy pointed out nothing in course handbook to say dancing not permitted. They shoved tables together to make stage, found music on laptop and danced. Tense moment when Véronique ripped off gilet and flung it out of window.





Afterwards teacher gave power point presentation on Lyotard but was so fazed forgot to make every student give intelligent comment. Managed to get to canteen before it closed.



Henry still deciding which recipe to use for Japanese haiku without consonants. Toss up between Spanish paella and Swahili peanut kashata. Both recipes complicated so may write about poached eggs instead.





Purrs

Bakhtin

A zany night

Couldn’t sleep for worrying about course. Next week we have discussion on post-modern theorist called Lyotard and teacher has told us no-one can leave lecture without making three clever comments. I am worried I will miss lunch and have low blood sugar so am taking supply of glucose tablets in case I have to spend all day in classroom. I am confused about post-modernism. How can studying this man make me better writer? I started to do relaxation exercise to make me sleepy then heard noise in kitchen.

Found mouse eating Saussure’s cheese fondue. We stared at each other, then he passed me remains of fondue and told me he’d never liked smell of raclette. I don't know why he wasn't frightened. He didn't know I am experimental cat who doesn’t kill mice. He told me his name was Neville and he was fed up squatting in old flats and houses and wanted to settle.




Neville - after realising I didn't want to kill him





I said he could use spare bedroom on trial basis. He has no money but is happy to do housework. He can also help me with course because he studied French philosophy until he had to pull out with bad attack of fleas. Notsaussure is delighted with arrangement. Until now he has kept home clean but he has developed new controversial theory about linguistics which he wants to try out. He made me relay word for word conversation with Neville, to see if it supported theory. He told me it was good example of heteroglossia: I think that's what he said - he has bad lisp. He also made me promise not to tell Saussure about latest idea because he would laugh. Notsaussure now convinced his brother's concepts of signs and signifiers is load of bollocks.

Neville loves bedroom and already has dusted skirting boards and blocked up holes in woodwork in case more mice appear. He says four animals is enough for Edinburgh flat. He has researched Lyotard on wiki. When I told him senior lecturer say wiki not respectable source of information, he laughed and said lecturers have lot to learn. Saussure says I will definitely pass Masters now Neville has moved in.

Purrs

Bakhtin

First week over

MA in Creative Writing began yesterday at Fritzonian Institute. There are twenty students: 14 cats, three dogs, one guinea pig and two humans. Lecturers are also people but head of department is cat. Most of professors are cats which is why Institute has international reputation.

Spent first day playing games to get to know each other, for example, asking questions to student next to us, then introducing them to everyone. Paired up with guinea pig called Henry. Hard to tell class about him because already he thought he had chosen wrong Masters and would prefer to study advanced cooking. He didn't know why he was offered place on course as selections of writing he sent in with application were copied from favourite books.

Henry wants me to teach him how to make borscht soup and stroganoff correct way.

On second day had class discussion on T.S. Eliot and role of tradition in poetry. Henry asleep by second power point slide. Been up all night surfing internet for eighteenth century recipes from rural Finland.





Henry - before he fell asleep








Lecturers keep telling us how hard we must work. On second day studied group of crazy French people called 'Association pour écrire sans consonnes' (APES). These mad people believe best writing doesn't use consonants. Already been given assignment: write Japanese haiku without consonants. This is first draft:


eio uai aouu
uoaa eei ueoa iai
oao eua ueioa














Purrs

Bakhtin

Getting ready

Woke with squits and spent most of day in litter tray. At lunch time, went to Boots, chemist, but pharmacist not allowed to sell medicine to cat without owner. Then nice lady in queue gave me capsule and told me of vet practice which helps independently-living cats. At vets they gave me immodium. They tested sample of squits and told me don't have infection.

It's just nerves because tomorrow start studying. Worried will be least intellectual feline student. Am good writer but not puffed-up academic. Hope there will be other non-academic cats and people on course. Last night had nightmares about previous student cats being treated badly. They were given fish which had gone off and had itching powder put in their fur if they didn't ask pseudo-intelligent questions in class. When shown round Fritzonian Institute noticed book called '100 uses for a dead cat' and other books with similar titles.

Spent afternoon sitting on litter tray, looking at big book about literary theorists. The sentences go on for ever and I had to use dictionary often. Tried to read article by T.S. Eliot about influence of tradition on poetry. This man is not only misogynist, he is animal-phobe. Hope other theorists we study will be more pro-cat. Don't want to go through course feeling inferior. Book too heavy to carry to institute so have bought tartan shopping bag on wheels.





This evening Saussure made Swiss rosti potatoes and cheesecake. He is good cook. Took extra immodium capsule so could enjoy food. Notsaussure cleaned out catter litter tray with strong disinfectant.



Purrs

Bakhtin

Introducing myself

My name is Bakhtin. People are too hung up on categorisation, but if you must know, I'm a cat. And I suppose you want picture, so here's one. I was having bad hair day and had run out of fresh milk, so you'll probably think I look as stroppy as human. And you'd be right.

There's probably lots more I should tell you about myself but there isn't time. I've just arrived from Russia to study for Masters in Creative Writing at Fritzonian Institute, which prioritises cats but offers places to other pro-cat animals and people.


Purrs

Bakhtin