Final assignment of term 1

Visited Mystic Meg to find out what future holds. Never believed in fortune tellers but was struggling with lifewriting assessment to be written in future tense. Non-creative writing friends tell me this is crazy assignment. Contradiction in terms. Impossible to write about things not yet happened. Explained that course is experimental and important to think out of comfort zone. Friends still think it's stupid. Determined not to be put off.

Visiting Mystic Meg bizarre experience. Expected to talk to human being, to be more precise, woman with dyed red hair, heavily mascared eyelashes and bright lipstick, wearing smock and lace up boots, with long nails like talons. Instead found myself sitting opposite stoat wearing fur coat and smelling of Chanel 9 perfume. Between us was upturned urinal with box of jelly beans. 'Helps me concentrate' stoat told me. Caravan brightly lit with candles. Waited for stoat to present cards and study my paws. Next thing, music blaring with T. Rex, 'I love to boogie'. Stoat began dancing round room. When T. Rex finished, 'Long Tall Sally' began playing. Stoat grabbed my paw, dragged me out of chair and insisted I jive with him. Two more jiving songs followed, then we sat down. 'Now I tell you your future.' stoat said. His demeanour changed, he closed his eyes, mumbled something that sounded like Gregorian chanting. Five minutes later he stopped chanting, took my paw, studied it, and muttered. 'Just as I thought'. Then he forecast what would happen. Afterwards, offered me bowl of catnip. Declined, remembering last experience of it ( see blog of December 5: Born again Neville )



Went home, shut myself up in room, declining Saussure's raclette, speaking to no-one for 24 hours.

This is what I wrote for assignment.

Tomorrow will slide up to university - pavements still covered in ice. I will hand in my assignment, two hard copies and reflective essay on experience of writing in future tense about my life. Will go to cat bar with other students but will only drink cream. In evening I will pack for Moscow: two winter coats, tartan scarf specially made to go with tartan shopping bag on wheels, skates and Christmas presents purchased for family when was procrastinating about doing assignment. Will eat dinner with flatmates. Neville is cooking, so will probably have snack first, just in case. Will try to get into basket early because have to get up at 5 am.

Next day will take train to Moscow with flatmates, Saussure, Notsaussure and Neville and fellow students Henri and Oscar. Route is by London, Brussels and Cologne. Will have two nights on train but only need two beds. Saussure, Notsaussure and I will share one. Henri and Oscar - who will by then be great friends - will share another. Neville will be given a choice of who he shares with but suspect he will choose Henri and Oscar because he thinks Oscar is exotic animal. Have been invited to spend Christmas and New Year with Granny Elena. Neville will be keen to return to famous nightclub to show off his break dancing. Saussure will be keen to talk about scholarly subjects with Granny Elena. Henri will want to discuss Russian recipes with everyone he meets. Notsaussure not so sure about what he will want to do but will come with us because he and Saussure always spend Christmas together since their parents were killed by eating poisonous mouse found in dustbin.

In traditional Russian style we will eat special meal on Christmas Eve. This will consist of: sauerkraut soup, lenten bread, honey, baked cod, fresh apricots, oranges, figs and dates, nuts, kidney beans mixed with shredded potatoes and garlic, bobal'ki - small biscuits combined with poppyseed with honey).



On Christmas Day we will sing hymns and carols in church then will go skating on Red Square or Gorky Park.

In between Christmas and New Year will check with university for results of assignment and then I will make decision about whether or not to return for Term 2.

Merry Christmas from Oscar, Neville, Saussure, Henri, and from me, of course. (Notsaussure didn't want to be photographed.)




Purrs

Bakhtin

Born again Neville

Sorry about not writing letters recently. Been ill for ten days. After disastrous morning of presentation at Fritzonian Institute, Henri insisted on accompanying me and Saussure back to flat. Suspect Oscar told him he should, to make up for hijacking presentation. ( See letters- November 17: Big Day, and November 24: More about Day of Presentation). Wanted Oscar to come too, but he was in state of high excitement, having made link between Henri's slide of poached eggs and famous Mikhail Bakhtin's complex analysis of heteroglossia, and went straight to National Library to research his theory.

Think Henri added something to catnip tea he made me when we got home. That afternoon began vomiting and had to stay in basket for many days. Saussure and Notsaussure took good care of me, though could never agree on best treatment. Still weak but should make full recovery. Only received one text from Henri. Probably feeling guilty about cruel treatment of supposed friend. Decided to call him Henry again, not 'Onree' as requested. Convinced French connections false. (see letter- November3: Psychogeography Day).

Anyway, wish to pass on warmest thanks to readers who sent me breast of chicken, tins of tuna and good wishes. Wish also to thank people who sent comments asking if I was okay and told me missed correspondence so much had to keep reading old letters.










One day while lying in basket with Notsaussure, couldn't sleep for noise Neville making on pipes under kitchen floor. Saussure had warned him not to make such a racket -especially while I was ill - but he'd gone to aerobics class and Neville had forgotten I was there. For new readers, Neville is white mouse, who communicates with my Granny Elena in Moscow, in method similar to Morse code, via rusty pipes. Anyway, suddenly noise stopped then heard strange squeaking sound. Didn't sound like Neville's usual squeak, so crawled out of basket to see what was going on.








Found Neville curled up in old sock. Very upset because Granny Elena told him to stop sending messages. Turns out she'd discovered he wasn't distant relation of Nicholas 11 of Imperial Russia after all. Accused him of being fraud and threatened to report him to authorities. Neville threatening to drown himself in puddle next time it rains. Also feels he can't now return to Moscow to give another display of breakdancing. Worried he will lose groupies and receive no more fan mail.








Managed to talk him out of drowning himself. In middle of this, Notsaussure, always at his best when someone is distressed, made Neville cheese soufflé and added St John's Wort, to improve his mood. Neville has promised to start doing housework in flat again and help me with studies, in lieu of rent, as agreed. Since then has spring cleaned each room and tidied away all cat toys. Has asked Notsaussure to make cheese soufflé every night. Suspect has become addicted to St John's Wort. Now giggles most of evening. Suggested Notsaussure cuts down amount of plant he grinds down and adds to cheese. Think Neville still hopes Granny Elena will change her mind about keeping in touch with him but at moment, he is giggling so much would be hard to keep still enough to tap out message on pipes.


Oscar turned up two days ago with notes from class, which he made from stenograph. Had printed them out on paper. Looked very scholarly but couldn't understand anything he'd written. Is too intellectual for me and loves words with more than six syllables.

Lifewriting assignment to be written in future tense due in last Friday but given extension because of illness. Now have to work hard imagining what will happen to me in future. Saussure says this is easy assignment but Notsaussure not confident it can be done without much imagination and says imagination isn't my strong point. Wouldn't tell me what my strong point is, so demoralised nobody believes in me. Have started writing affirmations in private journal: I am good creative writer if not puffed-up academic. I am unique, experimental writer. I will pass Masters in Creative Writing.

Henri went to see clairvoyant so he knew what to write in futuristic life writing assignment. Saussure told him this is cheating. Notsaussure said it was acceptable because assignment very hard.


Purrs

Bakhtin